Book Club Folds

I had been so excited to join a group of mainly older women for book club at the quaint café each month on a Thursday.  My very first book club was cancelled due to a power outage.  It was rescheduled for the following week which I attended.  Being new at a cosy group is always a little intimidating but I thought all went well.  The next month it was cancelled due to most of the group not reading the book.  This month I was told by the café owner; "Come storms, high water or whatever, we will have book club, even if it's just the two of us."  Then she cancelled. Her neighbour had passed away and she needed to attend her funeral on that day.  Of course I understand.  Then she decided a seasoned book clubber should hold the group in her own home.  Then it was all downhill from there.  The person in question decided it was not for them and suggested the club fold.  It did. I can't say I was devastated as I was only a newcomer.   I had read the book for the month by John Marsden, 'South of Darkness.'

I told myself at least I read books I wouldn't normally chose myself.  Not all was lost.  This month I had already booked Merv's support worker for the extra two hours of the respite shift.  I was loathe to give it up.
Then I remembered I had met up with an old friend a week or two ago and showed interest in viewing her recent photos of Japan and Italy.  I messaged her and arranged to meet her at her house at the time I would otherwise had attended the book club.

What followed was wonderful.  We caught up with news and revisited memories we had long ago shared.  She gave me updates on her children and I sat in awe at her magical photos of Japan and the ancient trees heavy with cherry blossoms.  They were magnificent.  My friend had gone to spend time with her daughter who travels all over the world dancing.  She now lives in the US and works there and abroad.  Mothers and daughters share an amazing bond. 
I had just spent the better part of the day with Mel.  She told me she had a wonderful day and I agreed with her. Sure we had shopped, walked and talked but just being together brings its own magic.

I love photos but before I knew it I was checking my watch.  I had to hurry home to relieve the support worker of her duties.  The time with my friend had stretched to over two hours and we hadn't yet finished seeing all of her amazing photos of beautiful Italy.  We exchanged stories of this most intriguing country.

I hope I have the opportunity to spend more time with friends.  It means so much to be with friends and share and talk together.

As for book club.  Will I join another I ask myself?  Maybe not for awhile.  I may just chose what I would like to read until then.

White Cherry Blossoms in Tokyo, Japan  

The Pull

"It's the pull", he said. 
"The pool?"  I replied. 
"Yes Mum, it's the pull," he repeated.
"What are you on about?"  I questioned.
"Sex, Mum!" he announced. 
"In the pool?"  I questioned with distaste.

"No Mum,  PULL not pool."

"Oh" I said, "The pull, what does that mean?  I am totally lost here."
He goes onto explain the obvious.  When a couple have sex their relationship will often continue even if they have little in common.  Hmmm, yes we all know that.  What I didn't know is that it's called; The Pull!
Well that makes sense, I say.  Mel's engagement has been called off but she remains with Damien.  They do have quite a lot in common but she finds his moods difficult to deal with.  He is self centred and never gives her presents but she stays with him.
Hmm, Dustin reminds me, "It's the pull!" 
I laugh, he is right. We stay in relationships which may not be the best for us and accept bad behaviour from a partner.
What can I do?  As always I will just be there when she needs me whether its to talk or pick her up and take her home.
As long as she is safe, that is my one concern.
I laugh, it's the pull.  I better remember that!

Days of Our Lives

Only a month ago I shared with you my daughter's delight in her engagement.  It has been a fiery month.  It took no time at all from where I was standing to know the young man in question (who isn't so young) had no intention of wanting to make changes in his life.
Mel was looking through rose coloured glasses as young women do (she's not so young either).  I don't know what she could see but it certainly wasn't what I was seeing!
Only a few weeks later on Valentine's Day he shared that he was made a ward of the state at two years of age.  He had been passed around like baggage from one foster family to another.  I'm sure I wouldn't have done well either.  I wondered if anyone had taught him to give.  Giving is good for the soul.  The more you give the more you receive.  Of course if you give to receive that doesn't really work!  It comes from the pleasure of giving.  The not so young man in question delighted in receiving but had no idea of giving or its pleasure.
I felt for Mel when he didn't give her a Christmas present until a week afterwards.  I knew there would be no Valentines present and she hadn't bothered to buy him one.  The rot was already beginning.
Only last week she rang him and said the stress of being engaged was too much for her.  She needed a break for a month.  He retorted it was over and never wanted to see her again.  Days of Our Lives (TV serial) began.
The following week she was back with him.  Mel said they were no longer engaged, just going out together.  She was quiet.  He was still angry.
Only last night he rang her and gave her an ultimatum.  She had to choose between him or her Mum (me!)  I was receiving a running commentary of messages from her soon after.  She said she called him a 'bastard' and said she would choose her Mum anytime.  I wondered if I scored 'brownie' points because I didn't judge her when they got back together.  I wondered if she looked at all that we have gone through together and how we give to one another.  I wondered if she looked at him and saw nothing.  At least nothing worthwhile.
I do know I will be there for her as always.  I wont dissect the whole affair or discuss with her until she starts the conversation first. Why rub salt into already weeping wounds?
Will I be surprised if he changes his mind and scrubs the ultimatum?  No.
What do I really want for her?  I just want her to be happy and satisfied with her life.
Yesterday we celebrated another weight loss milestone.  The goal was 75kgs and she weighed in at 74.9kgs!  Only 9.9kgs before she buy her ticket to Paris.
Remember Mel whatever happens,  we will be there for you.

Mel yesterday at 74.9kgs

Engagement

Some days are more memorable than others.  There are always reasons why.  On January the 12th I remembered as I do every year that Mervs mother Audrey would have celebrated her birthday if she was alive.  I remember her well.  She was difficult.  Not a mother in law that anyone would like to have.  She became less arrogant as she aged and was often dependent on others instead of fiercely independent.  Before she died she allowed me to bring her to the Lord.  Some people wait until such a time.
I knew she had gone before the hospital rang.  It was early on a cold winters morning as a light blazed through our bedroom window and the sound of a train thundered.  I said to myself she had gone.  I just knew.  I put on the kettle and waited for the call which came fifteen minutes later.
Audrey donated her body to science and therefore there was no structured funeral.  Merv, the children and myself held a memorial for her in a local park and then went to the river to throw in rose buds.  When I turned to look at the car I saw Audrey standing there in her red jacket. She had been in a wheelchair for sometime and I hadn't expected to ever see her stand again.  Her vision faded as we approached the car. Six months later on the 12th January 2005 I picked up her watch which I had kept and noticed it had stopped.  I wore another watch and a couple of days later I picked it up and put it in my handbag before it handing it over to the watchmaker.  He asked me what was wrong with it.  I looked for the first time in days at the watch, it was working perfectly.  Audrey was just reminding us to remember her on her birthday.  I haven't heard from her since.
This year as always I thought of her on her birthday.  In the afternoon, just an ordinary afternoon Mel rang and told me she is engaged.  Damien had proposed to her at her friend's house and of course she had been thrilled and said yes.  As for me, shock was my only response!  I hadn't expected that quite so soon.  They have been dating only six months.
I smiled to myself, Mel was always a favourite with Audrey.  Now I will remember Audrey's birthday  and Mel's engagement on January 12th each year!

I know Damien cares for Mel.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  It is lovely to behold.  Just like Mel he has a number of issues, many need a little tweaking.  Tweaking is good.  Solutions we may never quite achieve but helping the happy couple achieve a happy life together by a little tweaking is worth the effort.  Stay tuned....

The Happy Couple

Where Are You?

The day ahead threatens to be very hot but the early morning delighted me with a cool soft breeze.  I sent Mel a message saying its a great time of day to go for her hourly walk.  It was 6:30am.  I received no answer.  I knew she had been up late as she posted a Colorfy picture on Facebook at 10:30 last night.
I messaged her again before I rang.  No answer.  She must be really tired I thought.  I rang at least ten times before 9am without any response.  I began to worry; that is what mothers do really well!
Just after 9 I rang the support worker at her accommodation only to find she had returned to her boyfriend's house yesterday evening.  He lives in a town house where the bedroom is upstairs and she leaves her phone downstairs.  The mystery solved. 
I waited for her to wake and ring.  I waited and I waited some more.  Last time she was at her boyfriend's house I rang her neighbour because I couldn't reach Mel.  I woke the neighbour up (it was after 10am!).  I decided not to do that again.
I remember my older sister remarking on a time many years ago when her daughter was staying with her at a caravan park.  Her daughter had gone to the ablution block and was gone what seemed an extremely long time.  My sister became worried.  It turned out the daughter engaged in a long conversation with another guest and thought nothing of her mother's concern.  My sister said it was her expectation of where her daughter should be which concerned her.  If her daughter had not been with her there would have been no concern. 
It is like that with Mel and me.  Mel is not your average daughter she needs some looking after and positive direction.  Countless times she has got herself into a vulnerable situation.  Normally she makes informed decisions but sometimes she doesn't. 
I asked her just to let me know in future every time she will be away from home and where she is staying.  Her safety and well being are my main concerns. 
I asked her if she was alright and she confirmed she was.  There had been a lover's tiff between them yesterday.  Surely a mother can be concerned?

Staying away from home

                                                    

What is Friendship?

My friend, Carrie rang me Christmas morning.  I wasn't expecting her call but she blurted quickly she hadn't posted her Christmas cards but she had written them all.  She didn't want me to celebrate Christmas without wishing me well. I had a few minutes to give and shared them with her. 
Carrie and I have been friends for what seems forever.  This year she has had more than her fair share of family issues and health scares.  I always have time for her.
A few days after Christmas I rang Carrie and we chatted.  Life is not good to her at the moment and sounds like it wont get any better for awhile to come.  She always has time for me and I love her for it.  She is like a sister. So many people don't have the time or want to listen and share. Just a cuppa and a chat about anything shows friendship and love.
Only a few years back a family friend of over twenty years vanished from our lives.  Every time I met her at the shops she would say hello and then just as quickly make an excuse to leave and rush off.  She had nursed her frail mother for many years until her recent death and I could only presume she didn't want to get caught up with Merv's ill health.  She became cold and aloof.  Her Christmas cards once filled with love and warmth arrived with no sign of our once joyous relationship.  I pulled out her previous years Christmas card and for the next two years and I displayed it with the new ones.  I had loved reading the cheery words she had written in years past with always the promise of friendship the following year. 
Last year I received another card from her with only; 'Merry Christmas and happy new year.'  It meant nothing.  I tore it up and binned it.  This year I didn't display that special card she sent us years ago, it now lives along with my other much treasured cards.
I'm very much aware that a disability isn't for everyone.  The first thing a couple or individual learns if they are suddenly disabled is a loss of friends and family.  It didn't just happen to me, it happens to lots of people. We've done it ourselves as most of us have.  We just don't know what to say, what to do and how to act. 
Then there are the do-gooders which just leave you shaking your head.  They are the project managers.  They always have a project.  A neighbour,  a relative, a friend in need.  There is an endless list of those in need and one by one they are struck off their list when a good deed is done or the person becomes too needy.  The project manager appears like a tsunami drowning you in their structured 'love' and good intentions.  Yes, their intentions because they never ask you what you need.  We are expected to just be grateful! 
The do-gooder tells you all the things they will help you to do but rarely does anything eventuate.  They are just hot air thinkers not doers.Then as quickly as it began it is finished and you hear the good fairy is helping someone else and you are left to mop up the mess and make excuses for the exit of the do-gooder.
Today I am wary of the do-gooders.  When people ask me how Merv is the answer is always the same (unless you are a professional like a specialist, counsellor, OT or physio).  Merv is always good even when he's not. No one wants to know about his bowel problems (except his GP) or the problems with his mobility (except his physio).  I am just as good, even though I have just spent ten minutes pulling out my hair, kicking the door and making up new swear words. No wonder I feel good! Cate Blanchard and I have a lot in common; both great actors!
I hope I can get together with Carrie soon over a cuppa.  I don't want to chat about the tough times, I just want to sit and laugh and have some fun.

Keeping up with Christmas

Last weekend I found out my GP died and a friend with Huntington's Disease.  This weekend my microwave, my fountain motor and my printer stopped working.
It wasn't until I turned on the dishwasher and it was as dead as a doorknob that the lightbulb flashed.
I grabbed a torch unlocked the meter box and found the offending trip switch.  Boldly I turned it on and hoped for the best.
Whoppee - the microwave is working again and so is the outdoor fountain and deep breath in, so is the dishwasher.  My Electrolux dishwasher was nicknamed, 'Alex' long before he was connected and started work at my place.  He's been scrubbing and rinsing for almost ten years now and he is much appreciated!  Tomorrow I'll use the microwave.  It's dark outside so I'll leave it in case everything stops again.  A new microwave is on my after Christmas Sales list.   
The frustration of the day is almost over but the darn printer still refuses to print.  The computer says it should, the printer says it should, it just doesn't.  I no longer care, I've had enough.
Last year I seemed to have so much more energy.  I remember washing windows before Christmas, hosting a family Secret Santa and a mirage of other chores successfully executed before the man in the red suit came down the chimney.  (hmm I don't really have a chimney and the front door is always locked!)
I think about what has changed since last Christmas.  I'm making a list of what I need to do.  I should list; cleaning the outdoor furniture and pulling the weeds but I wonder if I should even bother.  There are too many other things to do.
Merv is more dependent on me now, even showering and dressing is taking longer.  It's not just the time but the emotional and physical drain.  His sister Vicki has been very ill and only now is recovering. 
Mel takes up a lot of my time which is my choice to be her weight loss manager.  It brings me much joy to have a healthier daughter.
No Christmas Carols or late night drives are planned this year to marvel at houses lit up with lights and blow up Santas.  I know I should but it gives me a headache just to think about it. 
Our Christmas tree is up and a few decorations.  There appears to be fewer every year!
But come Christmas week I will don my Christmas garb, heat up the oven and serve turkey dinner with all the trimmings.  I will click on the Christmas album on the iPad and we'll sit down to toast the season and pull bon-bons before tucking into our Christmas lunch!  It will be amazing.
I wont think about the windows and I'll hope no one will notice either!